... no words ...

Gah. I'm an idiot.

...

Apparently, I'm gonna be at the Halloween party. Briefly. And then I will leave. 'cause parties are absurd wastes of time. An' make me think of reading Carrie endlessly. Mmm, fire.

An' Wagner, god, what the fuck were you thinkin'? Just 'cause I talked t'you once or twice doesn't mean I'm gonna go along with all this ... group ... stuff. If you weren't gonna ask me, y'coulda at least let me know that I was supposed t'be dressin' up like ... some ... fairy ... or whatever the fuck it is I'm supposed t'be.
  • Current Music
    Harry Potter -- The Prisoner of Azkaban (Audio Book)
Angst

(private)

'tro IMed me earlier, and ... well, fuck if I know why he was even awake at three in the morning. Sure, he's up late lots of times, but he's usually not up that late on the computer ... somethin' about him an' Alvers havin' an argument about Tolensky -- fuck if I care about either of them, though. 'tro was the one that was upset.

He thinks Alvers and I hate each other, which is just ... where did that come from?

I don't hate Alvers. I don't like him. I -- if I hated him, then I would be tryin' to kill him. I don't like him at all, an' I don't like Tolensky, and sure, maybe if they start trying to drag old stuff up, then I'll hate them then, but. Right now, hate isn't an option, because I don't have enough time or resources to devote to that. Hate implies the destruction of one's enemies, in and of itself; hate is easy, but hate requires dedication and thought and serious plannin'.

I don't have the time for that. And I won't involve myself in that sort of thing if I can't follow through.

[edit]: 3:26 AM

AIM Log in QuestionCollapse )

Fuck. I don't fuckin' know why I even said that. I mean. Just. Fuck it. I could've told him just about anythin', and he would have probably swallowed it: it's not that he's stupid, but -- he doesn't know me well enough to figure these things out, and he doesn't -- he hasn't lived on the streets long enough to have the proper -- I don't know. Paranoia, perhaps?

But 'tro shouldn't like me -- fuck if I know why he does. Or why I let him. It's -- easy to make a career out of people disliking you, and it isn't safe, and. Fuck. I don't know. It was all so much easier before Tolensky started looking around at things.

I don't even know who I was talking about when I told him it wasn't safe.
  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed
Whee!

... what, did you expect me to cry?

Just to set the record straight, since everyone's been askin' me non-stop all day today an' yesterday --

No, I didn't set fire to the couch. If it was me, there wouldn't be any couch left, thankyouverymuch.
  • Current Mood
    cranky cranky
Angst

(private) On the road.

Finally met with Tolensky yesterday, which can probably be described as -- interestin’. Apparently, my life wasn’t fuckin’ interesting enough at the moment, no, but -- fuck. I blew it.

Don’t even know why the hell I went. Wasn’t even gonna go in the first place, but I ended up goin’ anyway, and lot of help that did me. Got ordered to say who I was, where I came from, and what I wanted from ‘tro, like it’s anyone’s bloody business but my own --

Fuck it. Was tryin’ to be nice, 'cause he asked me to be. So I actually told Tolensky some stuff instead of tellin’ him to go fuck himself, you know? Not like I lied outright to him or anythin' -- he asked a question, I answered as much as I felt able to, an' then he got pissed an' said I had to tell him everythin'.

Don’t see why it matters so much. Don’t want it to matter so much.

We argued briefly. Nothin' big. But he’s gonna try an’ check up on me -- an’ that’s the part that worries me. Don’t care about what happened -- back then -- but it’s just. So much. Stuff about back in good old Aussie-land doesn’t worry me that much either -- different name, different person, right? He plugs my name into a database, he ain’t likely to get more than a list of me an’ different homes, and I doubt he’d be interested in my police record much. The only way he could even find out anything would be if --

An’ they aren’t anywhere even near here, anyway. Last time I saw ‘em was back at the state border, an’ that was half a year back, so what’re the odds that he’ll be able to talk to them?

But if he does. Find them an' get them to talk to him. Then.

Reed’ll be fair, I think, because that’s just how she is. Nixie, too -- she’s more of an unknown quantity, but she’ll follow Reedy’s lead ... but Lamar. Fuck. If anyone talks to ‘mar ... I did what I did because it sounded like the right idea at the time, an' why the fuck does this matter now that it's all over and done with?

And more importantly, why the fuck am I stayin’ around an’ lettin’ someone check into my history out when I should just hit the road and run?
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy
Whee!

Looking for some Midol.

I really need to get a computer, 'cause, I mean, what the fuck? I don't get online for a day or two and then the entire bloody school's talking about me?

This would be where I start banging my head into the keyboard.

Pietro and me. We're not going out. We're not ... doing anything. We. Yeah. We're ... friends. Something. But not -- god, I don't know. We're us. Whatever that is.

So! Still have to talk to that Tolensky guy, so ... uh ... Tolensky? I'll be around. Maybe sometime this week, depending on how much stuff I've got going on, I guess. School's a bitch, as are Danger Room practices.

No, Scott, I don't give a damn what you think about my talking to Tolensky, so you can sod off now rather than later, mmkays?

And since everyone seems to have this idea, I am not acting weird. God, I mean, a boy can't chainsmoke a few fags without getting told off by everyone? And I am not moody. God. Tell people to fuck off once or twice and suddenly everyone's asking me if I'm PMSing or whatever.

So. Here it is. I am not PMSing.

So kindly fuck off.
  • Current Mood
    bitchy bitchy
Plotty

(private)

'tro and I. Um.

We, uh, finally got that whole thing figured out. About me and him, I guess. Apparently, he cheated on some other guy with me. Still not sure how I feel about that, because it's not like we were -- like that -- but. Huh. I don't know.

He. Um. I don't know.

We ended up snogging. Again. We. I don't know. I think we were going to do -- something. Don't know how I feel about that either. Except we didn't do it. Ended up - um, with him curling up against me.

No idea why. Even less idea why I let him.

I don't know how stuff's gonna be for us -- in the future, I mean, but it seems to be okay. For now. We're gonna have lunch together sometime and I checked on his burns and junk a few days ago and ... I don't know. We're not anything special, but we're not -- not-special.

He lit matches for me.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused
Plotty

Looking for some axe handles.

Saw the news yesterday, and all I can say is that I'm not surprised.

Hate this place. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

So let's start at the very beginning of what's wrong with this country -- the entire. bloody. Constitution.

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

On politics.Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    angry angry
Plotty

So far away -

Went to the bookstore a few days ago and grabbed a few things. Um ... Carrie, for old time's sake, The Once and Future King and one or two other random novels. I don't really know why I'm getting so many of them, as -- hey, Ray? If you want to borrow any books of mine, now would be a good time to ask.

Missed practice again earlier. Think Scott's upset, but ... whatever. He's been cranky ever since Sunday, so it's not like any added annoyance makes a difference. And we don't actually do anything in practice, either -- nothing useful for our powers. Apparently, nearly flaming a wall down is ... not good for the team.

Jean's being snotty, too. Something about my smoking causing lung cancer and making the whole mansion smell nasty. It's just smoke, I mean. Smoke is -- smoke. It comes out of things that burn. If you burn, you'll make smoke too.

Ah, well. There's a lot of things about this place that I won't miss when I -- graduate. In -- two years. Right. Two years.

And Quizilla apparently sums up my personality well. I'm rather amused at the appropriateness.

"It takes one tree to make 10,000 matches, but one match to burn 10,000 trees"

QUOTES for your Personality
brought to you by Quizilla
  • Current Mood
    blank blank
Whee!

Out.

Computer upstairs's down, so'm typing this out on the one in the basement, which is slow as hell and won't let me actually access LiveJournal, 'cause it's got some weird blocking software on it that'll let me post, but not read. Guh. Idiots.

... damnit, I need a computer of my own. Though I guess there's no way to take it with me if I ever ... well, had to go somewhere, but ... it'd be nice to have one. Not that I'm going anywhere, though. Yeah.

Going to go downtown later and buy a book or two, see just how much thinking I can get done without people skulking around and being all happynicecheerful. Summers' and his practices can just ... like I bloody care. It's not like anyone even eats breakfast on Sundays ... ah, well, if I sneak out fast, hopefully he won't see me.

And I am not being bitchy. Am not.